Apocalypse: Suzumiya Haruhi no Crack
by Maul64
Summary: Stuff blows up. Zombies are everywhere. Rocks fall. Everyone dies. WARNING: Contains gosh-darned everything including, but not limited to: Crack Pairings, Violence, and More Crack, With Cookies! So many cookies! If you don't like this, go somewhere else.
1. Chapter 1 Prologue

This is a story about every pairing, obscene or otherwise, of every character we could come up with (Sorry for the dangling preposition, we hope it doesn't offend). The story is driven by the force of a zombie apocalypse, caused by the teleportation of, subsequent mutation of, and consumption of an ordinary hamburger.

Our main protagonist is a character named Kyon, who you may recognize from a little something called the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, and its sequels.

Kyon has been affected by the zombie apocalypse in one significant way: he almost got eaten. After a zombie stumbled, moaning, into his classroom during lunch, he was unfortunate enough to trip over Taniguchi, his very best friend SARCASM, and has fallen face first into a desk. Needless to say, it hurt.

Though this is our first fanfic, we beg no sympathy. Grammar should not be an issue, though flames are encouraged if the reader feels so inclined. Though we are fully aware that this is an abomination against nature, god, or the celestial entity of your choice (Haruhi-sama excluded of course; she would enjoy it); we aren't prejudiced, it was fun to write.


	2. Chapter 2 Kyon

NISHINOMIYA, KANSAI REGION, JAPAN. 1:00 PM JST

I'm sleeping on the ground again, aren't I?

How do I get myself into situations like these? There must be some higher power that really enjoys torturing me like this.

The last thing I remember before finding myself here is tripping over that idiot Taniguchi while trying to escape from, well, the only way I can put it is the undead.

It's quiet; much too quiet given the horrible screaming earlier. I only remember it being this silent when I was in Closed Space with Haruhi, as opposed to the time I spent in Closed Space with Koizumi, which was merely awkward. But wait, something's different this time. There's no annoying voice telling me to wake up. What I do know is that there is... Some sort of weight on my, for lack of a better term, lap, as well as a disconcerting presence directed at me. I'd like to know what it is, but that involves opening my eyes.

Damn it. I opened them.

I immediately regretted it.

Staring down at me under the eerie gray sky was none other than Haruhi herself. She looked like she's trying to inject me with more energy or something. Seeing that I had woken up, her face lit up into her usual breathtaking smile.

"Finally, you're up, Kyon. Sleeping in a time of emergency! You're giving the glorious SOS Dan a bad name!"

I sighed. Typical Haruhi; thinking of her stupid club at a time like this.

"Get up! This is our moment of triumph! This is the most mysterious place we've ever been in."

"I could care less if mysterious events are taking place as long as I don't get hurt. Also, I'd be happy to get up but you're on my..." It was at that moment that I remembered that the girl whom Espers claim as their God was currently straddling me.

Um, Haruhi? You're going to have to get off me if you want me to stand up.

At this she looked down as if she just realized her position. I swore her face turned a cute shade of pink, but wait, this is Haruhi. Nothing embarrasses her, and did I just say cute? This is Haruhi we're talking about, cute doesn't apply to her.

Finally, she jumped up off of me, much to my relief (and slight disappointment). WAIT! I'm not in the least bit dissapointed that Haruhi got off of my lap, nor do I think she's cute. What's wrong with me today? Oh right, I just had an intimate meeting with the corner of a desk. I'm surprised I don't have a concussion.

While I was mentally berating myself, Haruhi had started to walk in the direction of the school.

"Come on, Kyon! Don't make me leave you behind," she shouted.

Considering we've done this before and are confined to the school premises, I doubt you could. Despite this I hurried to catch up.

The next few minutes followed basically the same as last time: Us checking the power, phones, then going up to the classroom to survey the surrounding area. After that, Haruhi turned to me with that trademarked smirk of hers.

"Hey Kyon, there aren't any monsters here to interrupt us. Let's go get some food from the Clubroom."

Which monsters are you talking about? Wait, interrupt us from doing... Did you say food? Well, my lunch was disturbed by hordes of the undead. To the Clubroom it is!


	3. Chapter 3 Gotham, London, Tokyo

A/N: We own none of the characters in this story, except for ourselves, who appear the part about "Charlie and Mark". This is an author cameo appearance.

Additionally, if you like what you see, and want more of a certain bit, tell us about it in your review… you were going to write a review, weren't you? Or, if you are inspired by what you've read, and come up with something you want to see, tell us. Relationships are acceptable suggestions. OH! If you feel the urge to flame, by all means do so, they are entertaining and inspire us to come up with more material. Friendly reviews are nice too.

-

GOTHAM CITY 10:00 AM

Aang was confused.

He glanced to his right from his perch on top of a three story structure, across the street, gazing into the shadow cast by a two huge buildings wedged up against one another. One was seemingly made of stone, with windows at regular intervals up and down its face, 14 high and 6 wide. The other seemed to be merely a series of five floors stacked on top of one another, held up by vertical supports, but lacking walls, except on the first level, with many vehicles stored inside. He saw a large crowd of people, dressed in strange outfits, writhing in the shadow. Most odd of them all, though, was one particular person dressed entirely in black, who was apparently fighting off everyone else in the group. The figure wore a cape over his shoulders, which hung down heavily to the ground. As he fought, the majority slowly backed him into the corner of the two structures. The figure appeared to be losing.

As he stared, Aang recognized the figure; it was Batman.

The Avatar had thought Batman was a myth, an urban legend at best, but here he was, all 6'3" of his ever so masculine, obviously delectably muscled frame.

Aang immediately flew over to try and help.

"Hey, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," growled Batman.

"No, you're not! We're cornered; here, grab on to me!"

"No need," Batman said as his grappling hook shot him up to the top of a nearby parking garage.

Aang, still interested, flew up after Batman, just skimming the top of the zombie crowd before swooping up to the roof and out of reach. Just then, as he alighted on the guard rail, Aang noticed two zombies headed towards Batman, but the Caped Crusader, casually standing on one corner of the structure, had not seemed to notice.

"Watch out!" shouted Aang.

Aang's warning proved unnecessary, however, as Batman, who had not bothered to deal with the zombies before, casually took out a batarang and tossed it through one zombie's head. "Why are you following me?"

Aang reacted more slowly, freezing the second zombie in a block of ice moments later.  
"What in the name of the spirits are these things?"

"Undead," replied Batman, "which I had trouble believing until I saw you fly up five stories unaided. Tell me how you did it."

"I'm ... well, an Airbender."

"Don't mess with me!" shouted Batman. "How did you do it?"

"I, um, I kind of... you know, um, 'bent' the air?" Aang said.

"That's completely unhelpful."

"Stop yelling at me! I just _think_, and the air moves! I can't explain it any other way!"

"I can't... Fine. The ice, how does the ice work? I thought you said you were an Airbender?"

"It's about the sam- Wait, you believe me?"

"No; however, if zombies exist then I can't rule out your powers for being illogical, and I must accept that you can do what you say you can, even if I don't accept your explanation of how they work. I want to know what you can do to help."

"Well, technically, I'm the Avatar. Yeah, I'm kind of supposed to save the world."

"Really," replied Batman.

"Yeah," Aang said as he scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

"Fine," said Batman.

-

GOTHAM CITY, GOVERNMENT DISTRICT, 11:12 AM

Freddie Mercury had become a zombie.

This being so, dear old Freddie really didn't have much of a thought process for this author to relate. This is sad.

Due to his complete lack of purpose and motivation, Freddie, smelling food through a closed door, is currently bashing his head into said door. The door, growing steadily bloodier, is winning.

-

TOKYO, JAPAN, 12:00 AM JST

Charlie motioned to Mark.

"What the hell is this?"

"Not this discussion again."

"I'll call it madness."

"This is what we get for going to Japan."

-

TOKYO TOWER, TOKYO, JAPAN. 12:00 AM JST

Leonidas looked up.

He didn't like what he saw.

An enormous lizard of some kind was inexplicably thrusting itself up against, no, into... what in Hades was it? Not anything in Sparta, surely. Seeming to be miles high, it was polished on the outside, but from the hole the beast had made in the side, there were drifting down pieces of twisted iron metal, mangled by the beast's advances. Leonidas turned to address one of the many passersby, but they were screaming in apparent terror, running for their lives. The fact that Leonidas was shouting at them in Greek didn't help much either.

The beast, having finished it's deed, turned, dripping. As it did, the violated and utterly defeated Tokyo Tower collapsed to the ground in pieces with a discomforting squish.

Noticing the Spartans, the beast roared.

Leonidas roared back.

-

A/N: poor Tower, We loveded it.

NEXT CHAPTER! L appears! The Joker invades London! Sokka and Iroh fall through a plothole! Eagerly await the next installment of Apocalypse: Suzumiya Haruhi no Crack!


	4. Chapter 4 L and Joker

We don't own the Batman, Avatar, Death Note or any other franchise, or their respective stories, or their plot, or their associated characters, catchphrases, or anything else associated with them

We don't own the Batman, Avatar, Death Note or any other franchise, or their respective stories, or their plot, or their associated characters, catchphrases, or anything else associated with them.

Hello all, Again. We're back, but sadly Sokka and Iroh weren't ready to be published this week, but Good News! This week's chapter is by a new author, who has joined our little circle of mayhem. This one didn't go through quite as much editing as previous chapters, but it should still be up to standard quality for grammar &c.

Read, and then review if you feel inclined to - we'd appreciate it.

-

The smoldering remains of L's house were still lit by embers, crackling all around him. Half of his face was burnt, and he was in agonizing pain. He clutched the wall for support but collapsed on what used to be his chair. Gasping for air, he reached up and pulled himself up, the flames still crackling about him. He heard another sound; cackling. An evil, menacing laughter, a malicious, malevolent malefic laughter, which masticated his eardrums, mauled by the massive shockwave . L opened his eyes and peered through the smoke and ash to gaze upon a frightening figure. Suddenly, a fanatic fanfare of frightful fiendish laughter fountained from the Figure's mouth, frightened by the fierce fickle fiend, L stood motionless.

The character walked toward L slowly, stealing the silence with the not so subtle sideways sliding of his shoes' soles across the surface of the smoldering, smoky floor. The silent persona lifted his face slowly, still laughing, and spoke in the sinister style of the snake:

"And I thought my alliteration was bad."

The man was about six feet tall, standing upright, wearing a purple coat, green vest, blue pants, and abnormally large clown shoes. But most disturbing of all was his makeup—his face was painted white, with blue shadowing around his eyes and red smearing across his mouth and two inches above where his lips ended—on either check, a scar,which made him appear to be constantly smiling.

The Joker stepped forward and reached out a hand.

"Need a hand?" he asked, grinning.

L reached up to grab the hand, but the Joker let go of it and L fell flat on his ass, realizing immediately that he was holding a fake rubber hand.

"Ha! Hoo! Hee! Need a hand! Get it? Ahahahaaaaa……" The Joker, suddenly serious, then glared down at L. "Sooo… not feeling too whimsical today? That's okay, because today we are going to have—"

"TRYOUTS!" The voice sounded exactly the same as the clown standing above L, only it came from a different source. What appeared to be an exact replica of the Joker standing above L swaggered into the room - except that he was wearing a hospital nurse's outfit.

"Who in Aang's name is this?" asked the first Joker. "Hello beautiful," he called out to the new Joker, "…and you _are_ beautiful."

The "nurse" Joker scoffed at his counterpart. "Actually I'm a guy, but thanks anyway."

"Well this is certainly awkward," remarked the original Joker. "It reminds me of the time—"

"When I got these scars," finished the nurse Joker. He then proceeded to grab L by the collar of his shirt and drag him upright into a standing position. The nurse Joker took a knife out of one of his pockets and stuck it in L's mouth, and pressed it against the side that wasn't burnt.

"You see, I had this turtle…" he began, and proceeded to recount a full tale of his life ambitions and dreams, and about the time when they were suddenly shattered by his drunken father beating him with a broken wine glass, which would eventually lead to him receiving an odd lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead, which in turn lead him to be accepted into a full-time wizard military academy, which lead to him to take on one of the greatest quests of all time, which included destroying an evil charm by throwing it into a boiling pit of water, and though L stopped paying attention after the aliens in the nurse Joker's story invaded for the third time, he managed to piece together that this, in turn, lead to the close death of nurse Joker, who was only to be saved by a dashingly handsome vampire named Edmund, with whom he fell desperately in love with... and the story continued in this convoluted, mind-breaking fashion for five days until it finally concluded with the fall of the Roman Empire.

"...And that's how I got these scars," finished the nurse Joker. L, his eyes bloodshot from not sleeping in three weeks, nodded absent-mindedly. The nurse Joker sighed.

"No one ever listens to the end…it's the best part! Anyway, what we can take away from this is, I'm like a car chasing dogs. Even if I ran one over, I wouldn't know where to stop for dinner!" Upon this remark he pulled a loaded revolver and placed it into L's hand, as he took the knife out of L's mouth with the other hand.

"Introduce a little anar—" BANG! The instant the trigger entered within L's reach he fired a shot straight between the nurse Joker's eyes. The sound startled the original Joker, who had been sleeping at the time, it was roughly 11:00 at night, instantly jolted awake, and noticed his clone dropping to the ground.

"Well that was truly tragic. I would have loved to—wait a tic, that's it!" He jumped up, pulled out two revolvers, and leapt to where the door used to be in L's apartment.

"I honestly can't tell, and don't care to tell where you're going after this, but I've got cloning to do!" And with that he leapt out off the burnt apartment, which had in the previous three weeks ceased to be burning in one way or another. L simply stared, looked down at the revolver in his hand, reached up and felt the burnt side of his face, then ran back out of his apartment. There were zombies in the streets; people running around with baseball bats, and the messiah of the spirit world and a playboy billionaire genius teaming up to stop it.

It was time L introduced a little anarchy.

-

NEXT WEEK: Sokka and Iroh Appear! "What else" you ask? We don't know! It hasn't been written yet! Possibly Ichigo, possibly Konata. As we said, we need to put ideas into the computer, so we don't know yet.


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